Thursday, January 24, 2013

Practicing the art of denial

I've been dreading this post. Holding off for about as long as I could. Partly because I know how annoying it can be to still be in the trenches and to see posts like this. Partly because I know that there really isn't anything to be done.

Following our betas, Grey and I have entered the infamous 2 week wait between the BFP and first ultrasound. For the past three years, I've read countless stories of women tearing their hair out from anxiety and worry. I won't go into specifics (mainly because it's cruel to judge anyone for their behavior while in a stress-induced state), but needless to say, the theme of this period being a nerve-wreaking one always comes across loud and clear.

Grey and I have another level of anxiety to add as we have never made it past 5 weeks. With my first pregnancy, the second beta launched us into the dreaded beta rollercoaster, ending with an ultrasound that revealed a too-small sac and then a D&C. With my second pregnancy, despite the betas climbing, I had massive amounts of cramping and bleeding that ultimate lead to a completed miscarriage. The memory of blood following a BFP is still very clear to both of us.

I've been nervous. Despite the fact that there's been zero bleeding, I've gained a sense of smell that rivals that of a bloodhound and that I can't stay awake past 8 pm, it's hard not to worry during this time.

I spoke with Dee about this during our last meeting. Granted, she thought I was handling things incredibly well, viewing me as being the calmest I've ever been despite my protest that it was simply the calm before the storm. After talking about ways to maintain balanced thinking and visualization, she ended by suggesting a last ditch effort in moments that I felt completely overwhelmed: denial.

Denial is a coping mechanism that is truly a double-edge sword. Everyone experiences denial at some point. For me, denial usually sets in following news of loss or crisis, allowing me to work through the shock. Usually this is temporary, with me moving rapidly into the other stages of grief, either anger or depression. But that's the thing; I'm not use to using denial as a tool for to get through anxiety. Blame it on my chronic melancholy state, but not tackling things head on is foreign.

So, this week has been one where I've been practicing. In general, I've been able to focus more on visualization or balanced thinking. But in the moments where I'm hit with a wave of anxiety and can't drop everything to meditate, I've been putting myself into a state of denial. Denial that there ever was a BFP, denial that the betas existed, denial that anything out of the ordinary is going on. Luckily, with classes starting this week and the final fellowship application due, I've had some help.

Ultrasound is on Monday. Four more sleeps.

22 comments:

  1. Ahh denial. My partner on this journey. I have used it in many ways. In fact, I think you post might have just inspired a post for my own blog! I will be thinking positive thoughts for you for Monday!!

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  2. Hoping for only good news for you.

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  3. I was just wondering about you, and where you guys were at post-BFP! Glad to know you've got a few positive symptoms happening and are keeping Full Blown Panic at bay for the time being. Don't be afraid to indulge in good-news posts, even if there are readers following you who are still in the trenches... this is ultimately your space, and you've got a lot of people cheering for you!

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  4. You know how to keep a girl on the edge of her seat! Glad you are coping through this time. Sometimes that's all you can do.

    Thinking about you so much and hoping for amazing news on Monday!!

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  5. Denial's not a bad thing sometimes--it is a coping mechanism for a reason, after all--as long as it's a place you visit occasionally and don't take up permanent residence. Everything crossed for a great ultrasound on Monday!

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  6. You know what, I don't think denial is too bad of a place to hang out right now. I'm still trenching it out, but I can certainly imagine that a new pregnancy, especially given your history, would be more nerve wracking than anything. No expectations of rainbows and sunshine. It's your space. Let it flow!

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  7. Lately.denial is my partner in crime, lol... Can't wait for your ultrasound Monday! As always plenty of position vibes your direction

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  8. I think you need to do what you need to do to get through these next few sleeps
    (and then all the little blocks of time after that through the rest of the pregnancy because there are so many waits). It is impossibly hard. If only the OB would install those little clear windows like they have in the drawings in pregnancy books so you can look inside and be reassured that all is okay :-) Just know that there are a lot of us out here all sitting with you, cheering you on.

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  9. Believe it or not, I think you are doing AMAZING. I know how difficult this time is for you considering 3 of my pregnancies never got to the ultrasound stage either. The most important thing right now is to try and stay relaxed (yes I know, and I hate myself for saying it because I know that is easier said that done) and keep yourself occupied. You are doing everything right. Just concentrate on keeping those embies warm and snug inside right now. I have so much hope for you! Thinking about you daily my friend!

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  10. Good luck Cristy! Holding my breath for you and Grey.

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  11. The wait is terrible. I agree with others: do what YOU need to do to get you to that date. And from this side, fingers are firmly crossed.

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  12. Though foreign, embrace that new (powerful) sense of smell. As I told you, I truly believe it is a super power. It really is kind of cool. Go out and smell the dirt m'love!

    With repeated loss, comes anxiety that many don't, or can't, understand. It's there whether you are want it or not. Getting through each day intact, is what you are striving for. To expect more, might be unrealistic. Cynthia was talking to me a bit about Buddhist teachings the other day. The thought is: 'becoming mindful by abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be and, out of our mindfulness, we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are'.

    You are strong. And beautiful. And pregnant.

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  13. Thinking of you Cristy... and praying for a happy Monday!

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  14. Whatever you need to do... I'm still completely thrilled for you guys. Just know that it's completely possible that this could work out. And what Trisha said, you are doing AMAZINGLY well! Certainly better than I was at this point. Monday is so close!

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  15. OMG, I missed the news. I'm going to skip the exclamation points because this wait is so impossibly tough, and I feel your pain/anxiety. But it sounds like you are doing as well as you possibly could be, considering. I am hoping against hope that everything looks perfect when you have your u/s.

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  16. Wishing you nothing but the best of outcomes...I think it sounds like you are handling things very well!

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  17. OH, its so hard! hang in there and take it one day at a time. you are doing great and so brave to be going through this again.

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  18. I think you are doing just what you need to. This time will be it...I have such a good feeling. But until you see that heartbeat, I will allow you the denial that will get you through.

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  19. I could not be happier for you. Do whatever you need to in order to get through the next few days but I am beyond hopeful for you.

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  20. Praying these four days fly by and your ultrasound brings positive news. Suffering loses must be so hard...I can't even begin to image. Hang in there, Cristy!

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  21. Hoping that every thing is okay! Will keep you in my thoughts!

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